A Brokedown Melody

here we go.

2011-06-05T01:47:00.002-06:00

i'm back go

Returning to the electronic/Real World

2010-05-24T14:10:00.000-06:00

I'm going to begin to blog again.

whoa

2009-04-13T20:15:00.001-06:00

in the words of Frank Costanza, "I'm back baby!"

Today...a continuation of yesterday

2007-06-16T17:09:00.000-06:00

What a ridiculously pathetic melodramatic title of this post. I titled it that way because there was something I wanted to rant about in my post about yesterday that i forgot so decided to try and succintly state it here. I was bothered that we had to be introduced to creative methods. Bothered, not in the sense that I thought it was wrong, but in the sense that we have taken so many cues from the corporate and educational world that our teaching has become programmatic and dull. It seems we have exchanged eccentricity for efficiency. It is particularly frustratig because if anyone or group should be expressing things in mediums other than words because of its grandeur and beauty it should be those that feel like their life has great purpose and value. Instead we have often relegated art to an accessory to worship rather than making it a means. I'm glad we are being taught new ways to bring it back. I just think it is a shame that we have left out so many talented people for so long. There are many days when I think the artist's heart is the only way to understand salvation, atonement, theology, and I wsh I had more of one.

With the second paragraph of this post I wanted to encourage my classmates who taught today by giving them some eedback about their teaching section, even if they never see this. Lee-Your teaching was engaging, I felt like I could listen to you teach all day. You really have a gift for communicating truth in a way that is easy to listen to and clear. Patty- I thought your dramatic telling of the stories of Rahab and Gomer were really creative and well done. James K- I appreciated the way you used discussion to engage each one of use and ask questions the whole time. Your questions kept us in it with you. Jimmy- The senses game worked really well with your story and was a great way to give them an activity with the teaching. Mike- I like that you chose an extremely relevant and foundational topic, and handled t succinctly and clearly. David from OC- It was clear that you work with kids and are gifted in this area. It was sweet to see you in your groove. Gary- Your passion for your people and church are clear and come through in all that you communicated. I'm glad you're doing what you are, is sweet. Brody- Not only were you hilarious and direct, it is clear you care about the people you serve in ministry and that is sweet. Ed- I'm glad you shared salvation. Believers and unbelievers alike can't hear the message enough. James A- It was clear from your style that you are comfortable teaching and a nturally, it was great watching you do it. David F- You gave us so much good stuff. I felt like you could have done a month on that topic. Tim- Thanks for a great class, you're a great teacher and practiced everything you taught. I was looking out for that and you were committed in word and deed. And thanks for wanting to get to know us individually. I'd love to take another class from you in the future if our paths ever crossed.

Friday's class

2007-06-16T16:42:00.000-06:00

I was really encouraged by our discussion on Friday regarding creative methods we can use in our teaching. Compiling a list of ideas to have in one place of creative methods and elements was a really great idea. The young adult worship service I used to lead incorporated creative methods every week, and rather than consistently listing these and updating the response and positives and negatives, I simply moved on each week to the next idea. Yesterdays discussion helped me to consider the power of listing these ideas to maintain them, as well as taking myself through an evaluation method of their effectiveness, strengths, and weaknesses. I've decided to add to the list of 28 ideas we were given yesterday. One of the ideas I want to post here that was especialy cool for everyone involved and that any of my classmates leading churches may want to use is: We had a couple of very talented artists in our group and so one week when we were teaching on the power of redemption, we decided to use their talents. We had a few colors of paint, a paintbrush, and a large blank canvas. Everyone in the group was allowed to place a mark anywhere, and any shape on the canvas. When they were finished we gave the canvas to our artist and proceded to engage in other activites for the next 40 minutes. The artist then wove all of these stray marks into a beautiful picture. At the end of the nght the picture was displayed and we had a visible reminder of the truth we were just studying, that God can make the mistakes of our life beautiful through Jesus. We were able to hang that picture in our meeting space and it was always a reminder that our lives are a masterpiece made from all of the mistakes being redeemed.

This is the portion of the blog where I post webstes that fuel me creatively or are great Christian websites to explore and learn. these are the most common websites I use and why I like them. By the way, I dont really use a lot. Most ideas I have come from art, literature, or music. Guess I could've just said art.
1. desiringgod.org- John Piper's webste- a wealth for solid Biblical preaching, and tons of free tools.
2. thebricktestament.com- this is a website done by a guy who is not a believer and antagonistic toward God. He illustrates the Bible using legos. it is a great way to understand how someone outside the Church interprets the Bible when they read it and are frustrated with God. He is extremely creative, and it is really well done.
3. explodingdog.com- just some art a guy makes when people e-mail him random phrases. I really like it and enjoy the work he does.

Thats about it. As I said I don't really stay connected to a ton of websites. I listen to Piper's podcast, Mars Hill Bible Church's, and This American Life. I find these all very engaging. I try to be exposed to alternate viewpoints and ideas often, that is probably the most fueling impetus for me creatively.

learning tension

2007-06-14T18:05:00.000-06:00

This may come off more as a diatribe than a response to class, so for that I apologize. Today we asked the question in class If we all agree that spiritual growth is good, then why do we see so many people plateau in their spiritual lives, never achieving what we hope for them? We put forth many ideas ranging from control, to the learners aren't taking responsibility, poor communication, and poor implementation. I agree with nearly all of the suppositions we put forth, however all of these solutions led me to one overarching question: IF WE ARE NOT CREATING DISCIPLES THEN WHAT THE HECK ARE WE AND ARE WE DOING? In my understanding of the body of X, its function is to be his ambassadors in this place. We remain after salvation to tell the story, and be ministers of reconciliation between the world and God. Therefore if we have ceased to reconcile men to God, and ceased to help believers realize their role as ambassadors of reconciliation, what is it we "believe" and what is it we are? Can we divorce our identity as the Church from the function of the Church. I have a difficulty in finding peace that we are churches when we do not achieve this goal. All of this said I do not want to pile on to churches without saying I am the problem, and hope to be a part of the solution. I think Christian Education does play a role in th eprocess of helping people both inside and outside the Church realize this end, but it must pervade all of our music, corporate worship, literature, awareness. If we ever teach about strong families, it must be connected to the overarching goal of helping people realize that God is reaching out through families to bring reconciliation between them and himself.

This is getting long, so I'll wrap it up. I'm not sure how to change the tide, but I have some ideas. First, I think pastors need to let go. If we are afraid that anyone in our congregation will someday pass us in holiness, wisdom, service, sacrifice, or spirituality go into the sales business. Free market capitalism is all about this mentality and one with this perspective would do well there. As pastors we must always hope that everyone in our congregation will not need us and teach us one day, hopefully tomorrow. If pastoring is ever about a paycheck primarily we will compromise our hearts, and our hearts must rest in the hands of X. What faith has faith in a check being cashed but not in God honoring obedience. Let us never forget that Foxes have holes...but the son of man has no place to lay hs head. This is a full on rant. This was not my intention. One of the other ideas we spoke about in class, I think is extremely important. I think for a church to develop a scope of what matters and a sequence of how it will be shared over time is extremely significant. People have to know we are committed to something and heading somewhere to accomplish that end. We must be about something, we must articulate it with words and action, if not lets close the doors, sell the property and give the members a share of the dividends because we are obviously a lot mor elike a corporation than the kingdom of God. I'm a jerk, and need some water.

Paradigm Shift

2007-06-14T07:47:00.001-06:00

One of the more compelling ideas we discussed in class today was a discussion of shifting our teaching paradigm. The question I kept asking was How far am I and How much work will I invest in helping more people move truth into reali life? There is a significant difference between telling facts, as a teacher, and guiding meaning. A telling style presupposes that if people have the right information they'll make the right decisions. A lot of experience in my ife confirms that this is inaccurate. Hendrick's asked this same question, how can we as the Church have the words of life in the Bible and yet so often people seem more drab than the world outside. I believe it is chiefly because we have not made this shift.

The committment that this shift requires is arduous and I think that is perhaps one of the reasons we are so lax in approaching it. If we, as teachers, never really think ourselves but simply digest facts and then regurgitate them than all we must do to prepare is input knowledge. However being a guid and not a teller, means we are not speaking into people's lives from above but rather we have experienced the very things we are advocating and we tell and point to them, as we walk along side. Sometimes I wonder if the reason we maintain a consistent behavior of telling instead of guiding is a bit of pride. I think we enjoy being the information gatekeepers sometimes more than walking side by side with people. It is a refreshign thing to consider. I know that my teaching too often reflects telling info, more than guiding meaning. I've got a lot to learn.

resurrected

2007-05-25T18:23:00.000-06:00

I'm gonna start writing again, I'm not dead, I'm getting married and in Washington. My head is full of thoughts and they need a place to live, forgive my absence blogging friends.

Old Song, still listening

2006-08-14T22:27:00.000-06:00

Not the land--Caedmon's Call

So many miles behind
Still I drive with the pedal down
I was off the map hours back
It's beneath the seat, I think
It's with two pennies and a match
And something else, I can't remember
But in the time that it would take to fish it out
I'll be another mile gone
And I feel so wrong
Trying to feel right
In light of all the things I've passed
You'd think that I'd have learned

This is not the land was promised me
Even as far as my eyes can see
I'm so wound up, Lord, I can't even breathe
And I don't want words, I just want some peace
Some peace, some peace

It seems I've misplaced my faith
'Cause it's 11:12, and nothing's changed
Well, nothing except the channel I'm afraid
And the number there
No, it's the same
Oh, this must be the savior of the month
And what I must have
Where's the night gone?
'Cause I'm so tired and out of shape
You've gotta get me up
But I can't get up today
'Cause it's been so long
Since I've felt right
All the rote, rehearsal, proof
You'd think that I'd have learned

This is not the land was promised me
Even as far as my eyes can see
I'm so wound up, Lord, I can't even breathe
And I don't want words, I just want some peace
Some peace, some peace

Break me, break me, break me
This is not the land was promised me
Gotta get out of bed, get something to read
And I gotta feed my brother, not my eyes
If not, then I'll be all I despise

this morning

2006-08-08T11:33:00.000-06:00

so I've been reading through the book of Acts lately and this morning I was blown away by the faith of the apostles. They did not shrink back from fear as they were time and time again told to not speak in Jesus's name. They never seemed to view discomfort as frustrating but rather like breathing. They never seemed to rejoice to long in freedom and release but rather seemed to move on to the next place to preach and share. It is staggering how different my life looks. I view comfort and security as a symbol of God's favor on my life, and view pain and discomfort as judgment. How interesting it is that that doesn't even seem to be in the conciousness of the early church, and furthermore if it is it seems to be reversed, as they rejoiced when they were counted worthy to suffer for the Name.

As I sat behind my big wood desk this morning inside of our church building I felt disgusted. Disgusted at what I my faith has become. My faith is a vehicle to occupation, my faith is a vehicle to programming morality, my faith is an ideology. My faith most often is not a belief in Jesus who is the Christ, the son of God. Faith for me means a whole myriad of things, and most of them seem systemic, rather than transformational and real. I long to be able to think of Christ and let that pervade all I do, I am so restless with turning Jesus into things, instead of letting him be what he is and letting that capture and enrapture me. Andrew, the apostle and Peter's brother said this as he was about to die by execution:

"O cross, most welcome and long looked for! With a willing mind, I joyfully come to you, being the disciple of Him who hung on you...The nearer I come to the cross, the nearer I come to God; and the farther I am from the cross, the farther I remain from God."

For three days he hung on the cross and as long as he could move his tongue said this, "Remain steadfast in the word and doctrine which you have recieved, instructing one another, that you may dwell with God in eternity, and recieve the fruit of his promises."

As I have thought on the promises of his word and the fruit, it is this to be with Christ. Heaven for me wil lnever be streets of gold and the crystal sea, but rather to look long into the eyes of Christ, to hold onto to him and not let go, and to bow before the long hoped for savior of my life. I'm so sick of believing in something so much smaller than the God of the Bible. I'm so sick of wasting much of my life trying to figure out how to entertain people or how to keep this machine going. I long to live. I long to believe and give God the room to show me that he is true. That his word spoke correctly of him, that I really can believe he is bigger than the genie in the bottle, angry judge, kind social worker I make him out to be. Forgive me if I sound brash. What if I believed? What if I really believed it was all true? What if I lived? Am I like Caiaphas who believed in preserving the political stroke and vitality of a nation under Rome he was saving Israel? Sometimes I think of his words of Israel in John 11 as the way I think of the church. I think that sometimes the prosperity and security that has been given to the church here in America is omething I feel like I need to participate in and protect. Sometimes I think I do this because I believe that is salvation, when it seems very clear that the disciples didn't freak out about saving the church when it was scattered for persecution, but rather they just kept going. Sometimes I am frustrated with the wasy I have chosen favor and security over obedience to the voice inside of me. Acts 5; people believed in CHrist not because of the strength of the church but rather because of the way people believed and saw God working. that is strength. tnak you for your mercy father and the gentle way you teach. Forgive my disbelief, and as the official once spoke I believe help my unbelief.

ramble on...

2006-08-07T10:21:00.000-06:00

The past year I've been thinking about leadership alot. It is a powerful thing. To quote from Remember the titans, "attitude reflect leadership." I think this is very clear. Often times a leader makes an organization into their own image whether conciously or unconciously. For whatever reason there are always people who wish to follow regardless of where they find themselves. It seems that at times leaders are given credibility simply by nature of position or personality rather than connecting with people. People connect with them. SO I know this all really ambiguous, but I guess I'm just trying to articulate the idea that Leadership is important, and its impact on an organization is great whether it chooses to make an impact or not. There is no idle time for leadership. If a leader chooses to do nothing, then they are actually doing something to the organization that they are serving. This has made me A) recognize how amazing the leadership of CHrist was--constantly doing what was perhaps unexpected but never being inconsistent; and B)understand the responsibility of leading. If one is given leadership we do not have the option of doing nothing, because whether we desire it or not people will follow our lead.

SOme other stuff in the light years since my last post. Sarah and I are still dating, and it is a ton of fun. Tonight we're gonna see Death Cab at the Fillmore. I quit my job, and am taking a simple church planting job to the ski peeps in summit county colorado. It was way time for me to go, and God gave me a disticnt call to go. Perhaps in future posts I'll reflect more on the lessons learned in the last year of ministry and my experiences at ICC. At this time I think it is important for there to be a bit more distance. All in all my life is in an exciting transition phase. Its all adventure, I never know where its gonna go, please pray for me as I go. There are still mor eunknowns about where I am heading than knows. Nevertheless God has already shown himself to be more than faithful in caring for my needs. Like the Irish proverb, "may the road rise to meet you, may the wind always be at your back, and may God hold you in the palm of his hand." I feel that. Where could I go from your presence? He is always benevolent and working, I pray for eyes to see and a heart to believe.

entertainment

2006-07-11T15:13:00.000-06:00

Today I was talking to a friend and he was telling me about a friend of his who has opted to bartend instead of pursuing a teaching career because she could make alot more money tending bar. It made me really consider how much we love entertainment. Maybe this is a clue why we are content to channel surf without ever being entertained instead of reading a book or doing something active. words, like pockets, are hard. I'm not as sad as this post sounds.

on a lighter note, I picked ryan howard to win the home run derby last night and he did. He is a freak, cecil fielder with a batting average; he'll be a monster before its all over. I'm picking the national league to win the allstar game tonight because I'm a homer like that. Brian Fuentes will have four saves and Matt Holliday will hit 10 homers in 3 ab's.

I'm also realizing that life is interesting, and I think sometimes we have to be really brave not to just peace out.

green

2006-07-08T18:57:00.000-06:00

I'm from Mississippi, and at times I feel this more than others. Today is one of those days. This afternoon I was reading in my room. I live on the 2nd floor at my house and I have 2 large windows that I like to open most days. Neighborhoods in Colorado are ridiculous. Most houses sit on an eighth of an acre, thus if you have more than that you are practically a farmer. My window's view made me laugh today. When both windows are open the main view I have is the side of the house next door and then the backs of all of the other houses that open onto a beautiful 35ft. x 60ft. green belt. Every one of the houses have a back yard, backyards that are a lot larger than the front yards. My back yard is particularly nice, because my roomates recently put down new sod which looks like carpet, but nevertheless we all have tiny backyards so we should be particularly excited about our greenbelt. I'm kind of freaked out about that. It makes me think that maybe we have all decided to accept things that shouldn't be accepted. People in Colorado are nuts about conserving the environment. Some people care more about the treatment of the environment than the people next door. I'm not their judge, just saying. That being said, it blows my mind that most of those eco-friendly bumper sticker having people return gladly everyday to their tiny-yard subdivisions. Perhaps there behavior is based upon driving home everyday to see what was at one point green stuff, but this doesn't really seem to be the case. I love all of the parks in Fort Collins. Ever since I've lived here I've loved how our city is full of parks, and I wondered why there aren't more back in MS. Now its hit me, we have parks because we have no grass of our own. When did we decide to be satisifed with so little.

I'm not trying to hug some trees, just saying how bizarre it is that we work and toil for progress, and it seems that progress just erodes the very things and space we want to use on our vacations from working for progress. Besides is working for progress anything other than a circle.

So last week I went surfing in Southern California and heard the words of Ecclesiastes on a surfboard. I guess I'm just saying people matter, little else does. As I survey the plot of grass the HOA of my neighborhood has so graciously given me I wrestle with restlessness over being pinned in by progress. I miss oak trees and seeing places without houses. As I think about the circle of keeping up and acquiring I wonder, "What is worth my time?" This question haunts me. I've been listening to too much Cat Stevens I think. Either way I just think its important to think about where to put my life.

tasty

2006-06-16T22:21:00.001-06:00

Earlier tonight I was hungry. Hungry and unmotivated. I wanted to eat. I wanted to eat something tasty, however I was having a problem getting really excited about eating because I ultimately understood that I'd be hungry again. I was frustrated with my body that it couldn't savor the food for longer than it does. I like to eat. All of this got me thinking about God. I was thinking about how our bodies are created to need food for fuel at every moment, and we always need to be seeking out more food. I was thinking about how our souls are similar. I think it is really interesting how we place so much emphasis on accepting Christ, when the reality is that is the birth, you know. I think the best analogy we should transmit to people is the idea of food. Entering into a relationship with God is agreeing to eat. It is realizing that he is sustenance and something we should continue to pursue all the time, not because we want to but because we need it to live. I like thinking about God like this. It makes a lot more sense to me and helps me remember that the "accepting" is almost irrelevant once you do it. "food for the stomach and stomach for food, but God will destroy them both," makes sense right?

San Francisco

2006-06-12T10:27:00.000-06:00

Last week I was in Mill Valley for a class on worship. It was a great class, and most importantly a great trip. The seminary is located in a beautiful spot, with an amazing view of Alcatraz, the bay, the bay bridge, and the san francisco skyline. For some photos check out my friend Seth's blog, there is a link on the side. I'll try to recount some of the highlights of last week.

1-- Tuesday morning I arrive and walk a mile or so from the bus stop to campus with a skateboard in my hand and backpack on my back. As I walk I hear birds, and smell the water. Never realize how much I miss the smell of water and humidity until I'm back around it.

2--I arrive at Joe's house around 10:00 and get to talk to him about the loss of his son. It is sad, and hopeful to listen to Joe talk about what it was like to lose his child. He is doing well, but it is definitely what pervades all his thoughts and conversation. He ha sbeen hurt by too many people trying to explain it instead of just telling him, I love you and I care. I pray that people continue to surround he and Lizette with love and support, as it is clear to me that it will take quite awhile for their pain to cease. It was cool to see picture of Elias and hear about he impact so tiny a person could make in such a short time. My friends know God in a way I do not.

3--I rendevous with a pal from college, and RMC student Seth. He was able to stay with us for a few days. That night Seth and I go grocery shopping and are mistaken for a homosexual couple. It was awkward and funny. It was a good picture of how things are a bit different out there. Not exactly a common thing in MS.

4--I enjoyed eating lunch everyday on a bench staring at the water, feeling the sunshine, and enjoying the breeze.

5--I got to eat at a sweet Peruvian restaurant in SF and enjoy the company of friends.

6--I rode my long board in the cool of the night, while listening to the 2nd disc of the newest chili peppers cd. That night was a sweet time of just being alive. I felt like all my senses were engaged and felt alive. Music is powerful. I thank God for the way he has built us to have feelings.

7--Seth and I were able to check out a sweet redwood forest, and two sweet beaches in one day. I was actually able to get in the water and taste it, that night. The night concluded with In and Out burger, so it was pretty sweet.

8--This is probably the most important thing I learned on the trip-Our hearts will always get us in trouble. It seems that often times passion leads to pain. Its not necessarily good are bad, just true I think. I tend to be a fairly passionate individual, and it seems that lately most of that has led to me being hurt in some ways,all of them extremely constructive; but still hurt. The more I live the more I realize when we give ourselves to people, you know really give ourselves to people, we will be hurt. I think that is loving. We never have to worry about being hurt, if we don't really care about anyone. If we dare to love and truly care then we get the risk and the reward that comes with it. So this was a sweet truth to be reminded of; although painful at the time. I need help being practical sometimes and incidences like this help me to settle in and be.

9--Saturday, Sarah picked me up from the airport and we spent th ewhole day together just hanging out, talking, and eating a lot. It felt like a celebration, but I'm not even sure what we were celebrating. We also attended my friend Jim's church plant and that was a great experience. His church is so warm and real. I also was able to share worship with a friend of mine who has been going through some tough life stuff. He has made some decisions tht have stern consequences, but has nevertheless been recieved by a community that has embraced him, without ok'ing his poor choices.

Life is good, and Flow last night was a touching experience of worship for me. I hope that my heart is able to get free of feeling like leading worship is a job. When that happens everything just feels so real, and like God is as close as skin. Last night it felt that way.

Home

2006-05-31T14:28:00.000-06:00

This past weekend, Sarah and I went home to Mississippi. It was a really fun trip. We went swimming everyday except one. We were also able to take a trip to the beach and clinton, where I went to school. This trip was about several firsts: Sarah hung out in MS for the first time, we got to be the first overnight guests in Sarah Shelton and T's new home, I saw my grandfather in his Alzheimer's home, Sarah ate Edds, Kiefer's, and crawfish for the first time, we saw my buddy nick's new concert venue he is building in hattiesburg, and we saw Van and emily's new home. This was really a fun trip. Its funny how quickly life moves. So many of my friends are doing a lot of things that to me, seem really "adult." It is really a blessing to get to share this phase of life with them. I can remember when I was in college and I thought about the "settling down" part of life and how it made me feel. I used to think that the settling required giving up a lot, and namely personal freedom. It has been really cool to watch a lot of my buds start this process and disciple me into a true understanding. It does seem like they are giving up a certain degree of personal freedom, but not nearly as much as I thought. Furthermore they are all sharing life with people that enhance their freedom and days. That is beautiful and attractive. It is so cool to watch the way they are enjoying this phase of their lives. It gives me so much hope. It helps me see the beauty of all the different stages of life we find ourselves in.

When I went to see my grandfather, I got the real sense he knew me. He never said my name, but all the while he spoke to me as though I were familiar and he understood who I was. I got to take a long walk with he and my grandmother. At first I was really scared, but the more we walked the happier I was that I was with him. The whole experience has helped me know how to pray for my grandmother in new ways. I can't even imagine how hard all of this has been for her, but I think on Friday I caught a glimpse. She is a really strong and godly woman. The most beautiful part of this whole trip was when we were sitting on a couch and trying to figure out where to walk. Pawpaw said I'll go with you wherever you want to go; to which my grandmother replied, "and I will go with you wherever you go." It got me. Love. Real love. It was such a blessing to be there in that moment, no matter the pain.

This trip also helped me see some of the whack things my family does, that I don't even recognize because it such a usual part of life. I think we all can relate to irrational things our family memebers always do, but we don't even recognize because some time, long ago we realized its better to just accept than change them. Thats all well and good, until an outsider comes and participates with your family. Then you are forced to look at some the wierd quirks of the people you grew up with, and try and answer the question why. Why, is perhaps too difficult a question to answer for half of it. All in all it is kind of a fun process to have to look at your family's behavior objectively. You realize we're all kind of crazy, and because of love we will overlook behavior that is completely irrational and unproductive. This wasa fun a part of our trip.

Sunday night I was able to visit a church my friends go to. It was fun to visit a church. It was a lot of fun to worship with these guys. Their church meets in the Fondren district of Jackson and is seeking to reach college students, young pros, and families in that area of the city. They meet in a beautiful Lutheran church building. The building was really sweet. The talk got me thinking about scripture. It seems that so often when someone speaks topically they choose to interpret scripture to prove their point, rather than communicate what it is saying. I know this pastor meant well, and he didn't say anything unbiblical, but he simply did not interpret a particular passage in the manner it was written. It just reminds me how tempting that can be, but how important it is to not use scripture as validating a point, but rather really try to undderstand what the writer was saying. That being said, it was a really great experience to be with these people and share that time of worship.

In regards to my relationship with Sarah, things are a lot of fun. I'm crazy about her and learning much of us, her, and myself.

Side bar--Barry got 715, but the Rox won the game. Double victory. I also have been thinking how interesting it is that BArry has been criticized for being a terrible teamate for wanitng his space, and yet now that Roger Clemens(diva) has decidde to play he can set his demands and no one dare accuse him. Even before all of the steroid stuff with Barry people would abuse him for having his own trainer and space in the locker room. Clemens doesn't even travel with the team unless he want to, and no one dare question him as being selfish or a team guy. Just frustrating, but also a great reminder that perception matters. Reputation matters. We can be such sheep sometimes, and choose to believe whatever we want.

SF--I'm going to San Francisco for class next week and am stoked. I'm gonna try to catch a giants game at SBC. Stoked, yet another ballpark visited.

RED hot chili peppers--The new cd is money. Musically it is awesome and I like the lyrics of some of the songs. They are so unique and enduring. Only band I know besides P-funk that the baseline can carry the melody. Freaking sweet. Fave songs of the moment are desecration smile, torture me, and 21st century.

This is getting long so perhaps I should try and blog more frequently in little bursts.

As Kingfishers Catch Fire

2006-05-17T12:29:00.000-06:00

As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies draw flame;
As tumbled over rim in roundy wells
Stones ring; like each tucked string tells, each hung bell's
Bow swung finds tongue to fling out broad its name;
Each mortal thing does one thing and the same:
Deals out that being indoors each one dwells;
Selves -- goes itself; _myself_ it speaks and spells,
Crying _What I do is me: for that I came_.

I say more: the just man justices;
Keeps grace: that keeps all his goings graces;
Acts in God's eye what in God's eye he is --
Christ. For Christ plays in ten thousand places,
Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his
To the Father through the features of men's faces.

--Gerard Manley Hopkins

Not the aforementioned coming post.

A song I'm liking

2006-05-17T12:22:00.000-06:00

This song is on the new Pearl jam cd and I'm digging it these days.

Marker in the sand

There is a marker,... No one sees it cause the sand
Has covered over,... All the messages it kept
Misunderstanding,... What original truth was
And out expanding,... In a faith, but not in love

What went wrong?

Walking tightrope high,... Over moral ground
Seeing visions of,............. Falling up somehow
Do come down

With the living, Let,..... What is living love
So unforgiving, yet,.... Needing forgiveness first

God, what do you say?

Those undecided,........ Needn't have faith to be free
And those misguided, There was a plan for them to be
Now you got both sides Claiming killing in Gods name
But God is nowhere,..... To be found, conveniently

What goes on?

Walking tightrope high,... Over moral ground
Seeing visions of,............. Before you burn them down
Do come round

With a living, let,...... What is living love
So unforgiving, yet... Needing forgiveness first

God, what do you say? What do you say?

There is a sickness,...... A sickness coming over me
Like watching freedom,. Being sucked straight out to sea
And the solution?,........ Well, from me far would let it be
But the delusion,.......... Is feeling dangerous to me

What goes wrong?

Walking tightrope high,... Over moral ground
Seeing visions of,............. Falling up somehow
Do come down

With a living, let,...... What is living love
So unforgiving, yet... Needing forgiveness first

God, what do you say? What do you say?

Calling out,......... Calling out.
Calling out,......... I'm calling you out.

If only the lyrics weren't so ambiguous, perhaps we could understand what he was talking about(sarcasm intended). On the real, I'll post som eother thoughts and stuff soon.

Pearl Jam and off he goes...

2006-05-04T14:07:00.000-06:00

Tuesday the new Pearl Jam CD came out, and it rocks. It is sad, but hopeful. There is a lot of music devoted to the American victims of war and their families. At times it is very sad, but every song seems to add a glimmer of hope. It is also very rock and roll which is sweet. Right now my 2 favorite songs are Severed hand, and Come back. I really like the lyrics and quite a few songs lend themselves to wondering what Eddie thinks of God these days. All in all I really dig it, but then again I dig them all. I'm not objective. They are the best band of my lifetime.

So my pal, newbs has prompted me to think about politics for a minute so here comes some reflection. By the way his blog is irish-salsa.blogspot.com, you should check it out. He is a Republican, and aspiring politician. I really like to hear his thoughts on matters of public policy and government and what not. Nevertheless something I have thought about a lot over the last few years is what I think is a cancer in American politics--partisanism(pardon me if this is not a real word, it fits). GWashington in his farewell address after his second term as president warned of three things, one of which was the danger of political parties. We live in that reality. It bothers me how so many intelligent people can blindly or thoughtfully agree with any political party down the line. Furthermore it is particularly vexing how someone of faith can do so consistently. It seems to me that almost every political party out there does things well and poorly. Therefore I am perturbed by people who have chosen to give their unceasing loyalty to a party rather than ideas or the like. Occaisionly I overhear my roomate listening to a political talk radio station and the way this one DJ relentlessly attacks the "left." I am not saying that some of his ideas aren't valid and warranted, however he does this same gig everytime I hear him. It is never a show about issues inasmuch as it seems to be about his parties opinions on issues and why they are right. The real danger with party loyalty to me is the way it limits you from being able to think as objectively as you can about a given topic. I know being objective alone is really not possible because we are all slaves to the conventions that shaped us, but nevertheless I think far too many people agree with one party's stance on "a" issue so that instantly translates into the credibility of their stance on another--therefore we all choose not to think but merely agree and champion a party rather than work to figure out what we should understand about a given issue.

This is beginning to sound like a bit of a tirade from someone who has been out of the "political loop" for quite some time, so I will attempt to reign it in. I am simply writing this to say that I think people should really make sure they are thinking for themselves about things. I think our world(namely, 21st century, middle class, America)is set up to allow us to live our lives without thinking of things of consequence ever. You can spend hours in front of a television without ever really ebing entertained, you can spend tons of money on material and never be satisfied. You can watch the news that tells it the way you want to hear, or read the paper, or listen to the friends that agree with you. All the while I think we conciously, or unconciously let our minds be lulled into a slumber and allow others to think for us. This is a crime, we are all to precious for that. There is no objective news--liberal or conservative. There is no objective history--it is either told by winners, losers, or bystanders(and they were for a reason). Nevertheless the weight is on all of us to seek out truth and let it form our opinions. I think to be free we must think for ourselves, if we do not we bend the knee to the tyranny of ignorance or sloth. BHarper says, "You gotta fight, fight, fight, for your mind, mind, mind." I agree. I hope this does not sound as harsh as it felt written. My intent is not to change any minds but rather to encourage every mind.

right now.

2006-04-26T16:41:00.000-06:00

*****ATTENTION*****The following Paragraph is a senseless rant about Baseball and Barry Bonds, if this offends you skip to the next line of asterisks.

So thanx to a friend, I have a subscription to mlb.com for a month and can watch any baseball game I want on my computer. As I was working on a calendar for college ministry I was listening to the end of the NYMets and SFGiants. Down by 2 in the bottom of ninth with 2 outs and 1 on, BBonds came up to pinch hit against BWagner. If anyone has seen Barry play this season, they know there was no reason to believe he stood a chance against the hard-throwing wagner. 4 pitches later the ball was in the stands in center. Just when I was beginning to doubt, Barry goes yard in a big way. Watching him bat is amazing. He never chases pitches, and doesn't miss many he swings at. Anyway, enough of that, I'm just saying I'm not surprised Wagner came after him, I would too, given how hard he throws and how bad Barry has looked lately. Nevertheless thanks to that it'll be another 2 weeks before Barry sees a pitch, and that is honestly the most frustrating thing to me. I just wish managers would grow a pair and pitch to him. I also think the Giants should be smart and buy a bat so Barry has to see some pitches. Enough of that. Heres the truth, the giants and Barry for all their skill, can't stop the Colorado Rockies, so do whatever you want Barry can't bat 9 times a game, and the rockies will continue to roll in their division.
****************************************

I've decided EL Fudge cookies are amazing and delicious. If you have not had some lately they are worth purchasing and eating.

In other news--Sarah and I were looking for something to do the other night, and we decided to cut off my hair. It is comfortable. Things with Sarah are awesome, and I feel so blessed to get to have a relationship like this. We want to her home over EAster and I met her family and friends. It was a really great experience and helped me know more about her. I feel like everything I felt before was nothing in comparison to what I know now. The more I am with her, the more I want to be. The only draw back of the trip is that we were unable to visit key place in Pearl Jam history whil we were there, so perhaps on future visits. By the way their new CD comes out Tues. and Rolling Stone says its their best in ten years. I'm stoked.

rolling rox, and road rash

2006-04-12T14:16:00.000-06:00

Starters--Rockies 5-2 and swept only there 13th road series in franchise history this weekend. Let's start the playoffs today. In all seriousness, a healthy April and May means playoff contention in August. we'll see.

Last night Sarah and I were gonna ride my longboards for a date. I have to say "were gonna," b/c we never really made it past the first run. She can ride skateboards, this was clear the first second she got on the board, however it had been awhile and it was a fairly fast hill, thus the end was less than desirable. She got a bit stiff because of her speed and freaked out when she went over a speed bump and fell. She sprained her ankle pretty good, and has a scrawberry the size of a softball on her hip. She is hanging in there, and it was fun to watch her attack the hill so confidently. You can't really fault yourself, when you get hurt not being afraid, at least thats what I think. Nevertheless this experience as well as our relationship in general thus far is teaching me loads about sacrifice. There have been multiple times already when I have had to face my selfishness and sacrifice for the sake of "us." it is fun and has been a blessing. I'm stoked that when we go to Seattle this weekend, to visit her family, we'll be bringing her broken from my skateboard. funny.

Last week--last week was an interesting week. One in which I had to walk through being challenged by people and God. A situation arose where I was forced to look at myself and ministry and pray a lot to determine whether or not I was missing the boat or not. I am purposely staying ambiguous to protect everyone involved. On this side of things, I can say that it was an experience that hurt me at the time but has indeed made me a better minister. I think as long as ministering to people is my job, I will be hurt by the ones I love, and consequently I will hurt the ones I love. This is certainly a messy business, but nevertheless the only thing I can do.

Passive Resistance--I really have no clue what I think about war anymore. I have been reading, thinking, and listening to a ton of stuff lately in regards to how we should respond to aggression. I am still on the fence about this one. If anyone has any thoughts on where they have arrived on the necessity of war let me know. I'd love some feedback. Here is my question: If hate, anger, or violence could solve the world's problems than why are we still fighting today, because we have been fighting for a long time, you know?

Easter--hallelujah. Reading the book of John and being blown away by the focus and single-mindedness of Christ. poetry.

sleep--I don't need as much of it as I thought.

playing catch in the evening--might be the best thing ever. Thank goodness I have friends who like to.

chick-fil-a--it is really freaking good.

nature--goulet.

MLB 2006 Season Prospectus

2006-04-01T21:59:00.000-07:00

Division winners:

ALW:A's
ALE:Red Sox
ALC:Twins
ALWC:Angels

NLW:Padres
NLE:Braves
NLC:Cardinals
NLWC:Mets

World Series: Brave's over the A's in 6 games
Series MVP: Jeff Francouer

Individual Awards:

ALMVP:Torii Hunter
NLMVP:Albert Pujols
ALCyY:Rich Harden
NLCyY:Jake Peavy

Other predictions:

--Rockies record: 85-77
--Omar Minaya and the Mets finally made some decent moves and were able to purchase the wild card
--The NL East will be a dogfight because of how competitive the braves, mets, and phillies will be, but in the end it will prove how essential pitching is to winning in baseball.
--The yankees will miss the playoffs and see that starting pitching is the most significant ingredient to winning as well.
--Josh Beckett will have a great year IF he pitches 200 innings.
--As Barry Bonds plays, so will the Giants--hence they will finish 2nd in the West.
--The dodgers will see the futility of buying really talented injury prone players, and finish badly
--The Oakland Athletics will win their division and Bobby Crosby, will get serious MVP consideration
--The Blue Jays will actually be much improved but won't make the playoffs
--The Colorado Rockies will have three NL Allstars--Holliday, Helton, and Jose Mesa w/ a sub 2.00 era.
--The young pitchers on the Orioles will all have improved years and prove the genius of Leo Mazzone
--The Braves will win a 15th straight division title.
--Jack Peavy, if he gets 3 runs of support a game, will win 20 games.
--The Cubs will vye for third in their division and wil consistently be about 6 games back in the wild card race, and consequently break my friend Van's heart again.
--If Clemens does not come back the Stros will be terrible.
--Ryan Howard and Jeff Francouer will have monster years and be allstars
--The royals will still be terrible
--No one will pitch to Miguel Cabrera all year and he will still hit 30 bombs.
--Alfonso Soriano will have a down year also, because of no protection and a bad ballpark.
--The Braves will STILL kill Tom Glavine when they play him and the reality of never getting 300 wins will sink in with a loud thud that can be heard in his full bank account, or empty soul.
--The Brewers will be much improved over last season, and contend for second in their division, although the cards will run away with first.
--Frank Thomas wil show, he still has "it", IF he plays 120 games. Thats a big if.

I want to keep going but need to get ready for school. Hopefully this is enough to make me look like a complete idiot in a couple of months. I hope this will encourage my baseball loving friends and poster's to do something similar so in a few months we can look back and see how wrong we all were.

something corporate

2006-03-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna rant about something for a second. My friend Sarah works at this restaurant called red robin. It is a family restaurant in the class of a ruby tuesday's that specializes in $6 burgers and fries, and other sandwiches. When she was training for the job she was required to read a manual that, no lie, rivaled that of some of a former girlfriend's nursing procedure books. Furthermore she refers to the customer's as "guests" and has to refer to them eating there as an "experience." In addition occasionally she is timed and required to go through a three point sit and greet thing in a certain amount of time or she will be censured. It all seems a little bit absurd to me. It seems that by and large these companies take themselves a bit to seriously. (By the way on some nights the restaurant has someone wear a large red robin mascot uniform and walk around the joint handing out balloons. Perhaps serious isn't the right word) All in all I think that all of this business psychology stuff is ridiculous and it is a shame that in order to attempt to make a buck and not lose it to the next guy we have deal with all of these head games. It stinks that going to a restaurant can't simply be about eating, it has to be about an experience. I know we are all very sensitive and aesthetic, but I do think that requiring people to treat you like a flippin king because you are going to spend $9 on a meal is absurd. I was also thinking about other experiences I have had with corporate entities (ie-Piggly Wiggly) and how sometimes managers of these joints treat as you as a robot for fear of those above them and their corporate responsibility. It makes me crazy to see people be so uptight and scared to build a relationship because of the list of things they have to monitor. What the heck, yo? anyway--I guess the meaning of all this is to say that I think much of what we endeavor to do in our world is vanity. Smoke and mirrors. it is easy for us to confuse the issue because we forget what is really important. Red robin thinks making a grown adult dress up like a robin is a good business principle, but talking at a table for mor ethan 2 minutes without taking a drink order is a bad business principle. it makes me want to jam a butter knif in my face.

Here is another wonderful tangent--I was at Wendy's a couple of days ago and watched this dude get nuts because it took them twenty minutes to get him his burger and fries. I thought, man this dude should really just cool out. It begs the question what do we think we are paying for when we go out to eat. APparently judging by this guys response, his $5.49 was purchasing expediency and a burger, coke, and fries. I'm just tired of watching people treat other people like crap and like something less than themselves simply because they payed a few bucks for a service. I know we should all do whatever we do well. However I think a more universal principle, and more significant to me, is we should be willing to treat human beings like friends, and not let crappy uniforms and/or counters confuse us into thinking something else is going on. I think most of us need to not take ourselves so seriously. I thought that dude was gonna have a heart attack because of the amount of time it took to make his food, and thought is this really how you want to go out bro? Love more, people. don't buy the lie that life is about what I get, its way too short for that perspective to steal any of it.

The book

2006-03-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

Job 5:17-27
"How happy is the one whom God reproves; therefore do not despise the discipline of the almighty. For he wounds but he binds up; he strikes but his hands heal. He will deliver you from six troubles; in seven no harm shall touch you. In famine he will redeem you from death, and in war from the power of the sword. You shall be hidden from the scourge of the tongue, and shall not fear destruction when it comes. At destruction and famine you shall laugh, and sall not fear the wild animals of the earth. For you shall be in league with the stones of the field, and the wild animals shall be at peace with you. You shall know that your tent is safe, you shall inspect your fold and miss nothing. You shall know that your descendants will be many, and your offspring like the grass of the earth. You shall come to your grave in ripe old age, as a shock of grain comes up to the threshing floor in its season. See have searched this out; it is true. Hear, and know it for yourself."

These words come from JOb's pal Eliphaz the Temanite, so consider the source, but I think they are good.

Micah 6:8

He has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?

good words. right on Micah.

something eugene said

2006-03-23T14:43:00.000-07:00

This is the intro to the book of Amos in the message remix:

More people are exploited and abused in the cause of religion than in any other way. Sex, money, and power all take a back seat to religion as a source of evil. Religion is the most dangerous energy source known to humankind. The moment a person (or government or religion or organization) is convinced that God is either ordering or sanctioning a cause or project, anything goes. The history, worldwide, of religion-fueled hate, killing, and oppression is staggering. The biblical prophets are in the front line of those doing something about it. The biblical prophets continue to be the most powerful and effective ever heard on this earthfor keeping religion honest, humble, and compassionate.

word eugene.

all kinds

2006-03-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

So a lot has transpired over the last couple of weeks and I think all in all it would be pretty difficult for me to list it all so I will hit some of the highlights and see whwere that takes me:

uno--katrina--Last week I was able to go with 24 other folks from our church here in foco to the gulf coast in mississippi to help with hurricane relief. It was phenomenal. Everyday was a blessing. It was really awesome to be covered in sweat, bug bites, and earth at the end of everyday. Something beautiful about that. I also got the oppurtunity to make many new friends that were great people to share that week of my life with:Bill, Scott, Roy, D, Joe, Thomas. experiences like last week bond you to people for life. Oddly enough I had a dream last night with my biker friends from last week. It was a good dream. Those guys ruled hardcore. Its still quite the task to sift through everything that happened and the meanings of all the events, but nevertheless there they are. Perhaps I'll write more about stuff as we get further removed.

dos--grandparents--My grandparents recently sold the home they built and that most of my memories with them occurred in last month. I couldn't bring myself to go by there while I was home. I guess I am too sentimental. My grandfather is in a home for alzheimer's patients in mobile, AL, and I didn't go by and visit him either. I'm really unsure about what to do in regards to all of that. I know that if I ever go by and see him it will probably be for the sake of my mom and grandma more than myself. I talked to my little bro about the situation and he said of his visit that pawpaw was happy and didn't know who he was. It has nothing to do with him not knowing who I am, it all has more to do with the fact that I am not sure about him being there to live out his days. I know it makes my grandmother sad. She just recently moved in with her recently widowed sister and they seem to be doing well together. There is certainly a degree of bitterness within her about being away from pawpaw though. however it is clear that the two of them should not be alone together healthwise. Once a man twice a child. My parents are really wrestling with what to do as well. They both handle it differently. Mom constantly questions whether or not they are doing the right thing. Dad wants grandma to be more grateful and considerate. It is hard for me to hear him talk like that about her. But then again I am the one who lives in colorado and doesn't call or want to visit his grandfather, so why the double standard? I think I'll write my grandma a letter and try and explain why I am a coward and am refusing to deal with any of this. I think I'll tell her the truth that she and he are my 2 favortie people ever. I think I'll tell her that my grandfather is the man i hope to be. anyway there is a lot going here, so for any who may read my blog and hope to escape emotionally personal stuff I'll bring this musing to a close.

tres--kids--I got to spend some time at home with jake, abe, eliot, and the expected one. I got to put my hand on my sister's belly and was happy about that. I was able to hold eliot and have her run to me when she got scared of a dog, and hear her say I love you. I got to play football and basketball with abe at his request and I got a picture from Jake. It was really fun. I love those guys. SOmetimes it hurts to think of all the people who are not blood that get to be more a part of their life than me. I am selfish. I realize I am only to make the best use of the time I've been given to show love.

vier--sarah w--My friend sarah and I have been spending a lot of time together and it is spectacular. When I am with her I feel more myself than I have ever been. When I look in her eyes I never want to look away because it feels like home. this is a gift.

funf--my friend joe--my friend joe recently lost his first born son after a two week fight with cancer. last night we prayed thta joe and lizette would not have to decide about whether or not to put the baby on a machine for his heart or not. God answered and he died around midnight in the arms of his parents. I can't imagine having to make that decision or having to witness the last 2 weeks of JOe's life. Myheart is broke for he and Lizette and I pray that they run to God as their exceeding joy in this time.

sechs--Piper--SO there is this Piper sermon that I have been listening to a ton lately. It is the last sermon he will preach for five months due to prostate cancer. It is is beautiful. You can find it on desiringgod.org--o2/26/06. It is called "I will go to God--My Exceeding JOy." It is really a great example of someone who realizes the ultimate value of life. He preaches as though he is dying.

7--I've been thinking alot about my job. A lot of days I feel like a failure. After spending a week doing something that so clearly felt like living the gospel everyday it is hard for me to sit in an office. I gotta get out of this one I think. People. People make me feel alive. hope too. After last week and watching the way hope transformed a neighborhood I'd like to watch coll hand luke again. Hope is powerful. For real, i watched it transform people. this post is long.

8--Social justice--lately I have been thinking about the gospel and social justice--AMos, and 2 Cor 6--I have been thinking about what to give to the community I find myself in. I worry sometimes that I hoard too much. I listened to MLK the other day and it was beautiful to hear him talk about the gospel and the way they would live it in regards to the world where they founf themselves. I listened to Malcolm X the same day and he just sounded angry. He sounded like he was a prpoponent of the very hate he hated. He let his frustration and anger propel him to condone the same behavior as a response. I fail to see how that will ever produce any lasting change. Hence why I wonder about war. Nevertheless I thin kpeople take to violence for the glory and pride of being able to see results. I think more often than not loving in the revoltuionary manner we are called to will ultimately mean our death rather than our experiencing control. SOme people want control more than change I htink. Jesus loved and died. the world changed. mlk loved and died and the world changed. Warriors come and go and power changes but not men. so this is a rant, but stuff I've ben thinking about. X's speech was called the ballot or the bullet. MLK's I have a dream. 2 approaches to the same problem--one of hate, the other of hope. Am I willing to pay the price for the thing I desire most? this is one of our questions. live baby. i'm tired and need to go tell somebody about Christ so I have to go for now.

i will seek to post more regularly for those of you whose interest might be waning.

overdue

2006-03-04T14:57:00.000-07:00

So a lot of stuff has been going on in my world it seems like for the past 2 weeks, and blogging has not been a priority. I've made a friend and she is different than any other person i have met. I have never felt the way I feel and thus we have been spending a lot of time together. I'm not really sure how or what to disclose right now, except that for all of you who read this, know I am happy. I don't want to get all mushy, but this is really fantastic.

In other news, BBonds showed that he is nothing less than the consumate teamate by participating in Giants idol last week, I'm sure most of you saw the pics, but if not a friend posted one on my myspace, you can click the link. Also I got the new Jack Johnson curious George CD and it is really fun and good. Some of the songs are cool for grownups and then some are just fun in an elementary way. i honestly can't think of anything of consequence to say right now on account of my brain being mush, so this is short. I just wanted my pals to know about some of the developments in my life. cheers until next time.

Barry Bonds, and why he's my boy

2006-02-22T15:36:00.000-07:00

So I felt the need to drop some knowledge on some fools. One of the main reason this post exists is because my college roomate Jason will check it and explode. Furthermore I felt the need to defend my boy, Barry. Some will attempt to discredit his ability as a baseball player strictly because of the issues around whether or not he knowingly used steroids, however I have the trump card of statistics. One may attempt to throw away a couple hundred of his homeruns on the basis of "alleged"("I am lawyer," says star jones)steroid use, however in the summer of 2003 something undeniable happened. Barry Bonds in July of that month, had up until that point in the season hit more doubles and homeruns combined than times he whiffed on a pitch. For some who do not actively follow baseball, and can't understand the atrocity of this stat--it is ridiculous. It is essentially the same as attempting to drive your car in early summer in south mississippi and not get a dead bug on the windshield--the odds of missing the bug are the same of throwing a strike by Barry Bonds that he cannot connect to. Therefore I have said it before and I'll say it again, he is the best baseball lplayer I have ever seen, and will probably ever see. If you look at his walk to strikeout ratio over his career it is scary. If he chooses to play on his bad knee for ten more years he may reach the point when he literally walks 500 times in a season and bats a 1.000. For real. Steroids can't touch or defame that reality. I'm through. I just felt the need to say you may be able to choose not to love Barry Bonds, but no one can ever attack what he has done in the batters box. So there. Baseball season is upon us and I have to listen to one"credible" baseball writer criticize Barry the player I'm gonna do something sick. Hate the game not the player. It is with great courage that I say, barry is my boy.

my life as experiment

2006-02-21T22:49:00.000-07:00

"Please remember, we have no indication that what occurred in the early days of the Church was commanded or that it was even the right thing to do. This is not some pattern to be slavishly imitated. What we do see is an incredible freedom to experiment with practical ways to flesh out the meaning of love for God and neighbor. Under the authority of Christ these spirit-filled Christians were freed to try new ways to love one another."--Richard Foster

I like this quote because I have been thinking a lot about trying to live as radical as I think the call of Christ compels us to be. I'm tired of the domesticated life I've been living. I have totally made the gospel culpable to my whims. what a tragedy. Thus I am resolved to view my life as experiment and endeavor as fully as I can to embrace the moment by moment voice, without regard to reasoning. I probably don't mean that as spooky as it sounds. I just recognize that there are times when I very clearly feel God telling me to do one thing and I begin to reason it out. I want to be like the widow who gave her only 2 pieces. Resignation. She believed God was good with word and deed. I'm so tired of considering myself before others. I'm so tired of living a life of quiet death.

Sundaynight I got to see Coldplay. It was great. You got the feeling that they actually wanted to connect with the audience in tangible ways. Furthermore, the emotive nature of their music was powerful live. Crap I sound like a gay music critic. We are what we hate. I have so many things to say, but honestly do not posess the energy to communicate them all right now. In a few eeks I'll go home and take people with me to help rebuild in the wake of Katrina. I am excited about this oppurtunity. I get to share home with friends and tangibly meet needs.

I had dinner with my friend Joe tonight and talked about the gospel. It has been a joy to watch his heart and mind embrace the reality of Christ, each week he grabs onto another truth of the word and it is beautiful to watch the gospel do what it has been doing for years.

Girls. They are nice but sometimes my inability to understand them makes me feel like ric moranis from honey I shrunk the kids--well intentioned but wanting.

So anyway I've decided to try and quit holding back in regards to faith in action in my life. I'm gonna try to live my beliefs more as breathing, and less like strategy. experiment.

wilco, eating disorders, and the disillusionment of my generation

2006-02-13T23:48:00.000-07:00

This is gonna be somewhat short, mainly because I am tired, but also because I feel like with tomorrow being Valentine's I should probably post something about beauty and love then, thus...a few things rattling in my brain.

Wilco--I think they rock. I love the way Jeff Tweedy writes lyrics and I tend to find myself in many of his songs. The 2 CD's I own are Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, and A ghost is born. I did own AM, but it got jacked by a really cute girl one summer I worked at camp in college, so I can forgive. Nevertheless tonight on the way home from seminary I was just listening and realized how much I like this band. Every CD of theirs I have owned, including the aforementioned-jacked one, has become more imprtant to me the longer I own it. Every time I revisit one of their tunes that I haven't listened to in awhile it unveils something new that I dig, I think that is a key to lasting musical greatness. I don't know if this officially means I am old, or just in a phase but their tunes resonate with me. As I listened tonight, i think my life is probably more like their music, than the life of Diamond David Lee Roth--which is what I sometimes hopefully think.

Eating disorders--I can totally see how people get them. It is so easy to make yourself crazy thinking about health and food. Sometimes I think I have walked the proverbial line between healthy and unhealthy eating habits.(Note this is not a cry for help, I am OK)I just feel like at this moment in my life I can really sympathize with this kind of head game, and felt the need to communicate it.

Talking about my generation--So the world champion Chicago White Sox had the oppurutnity to visit the white house this week and 17 of the 40 man roster chose to attend. 17. I think this is perhaps a huge indicator of where we are as a people. I think it has nothing to do with the poltics of GW or the players. I think it is perhaps most indicative of the fact that we, meaning younger folk, are beginning to realize the futility of politics. As we grow up in school we are taught that in America anyone can be the prez. I think the older we get the more we realize anyone, can't really be prez, and even if we could we wouldn't want to be. I think more and more we are seeing that politics will not save our world. All the news channels seem to attempt to spin it like they can, in agreeing or disagreeing with a certain political decision, but I think most people in my generation realize the futility of this endeavor. Thus the president is quickly being relegated to little more than a celebrity in kind with Bob Dylan...future generations know this figure is important but can't exactly de/prescribe why. Furthermore I think we all realize in our bones how little power the president really has. I'm sure it makes us all feel good that at the end of the day we can pin success or failure on the shoulders of one person so as to alleviate our own responsibility, but nevertheless we all know this for the fallacy it is. No one person is the reason anything happens in terms of politics. But Jeff what about Hitler--Neville Chamberlain, pacificism, and so on. Alright this is getting whiny, and this whole thing could be cause I am tired, I'm really not sure however I think this whole Chisox thing is an example of a cultural reality. We want substance. i think we are all hopful that at some point we can be a part of something bigger than ourselves. I think the more I hear news from the globe, it is clear to me that that bigger enduring thing will never be diplomacy. Diplomacy will die with people--we yearn to connect with the eternal. I think this is what I feel and possibly what a lot of people around my age feel. This probably won't even make since to me when I wake up tomorrow, but nevertheless here it is. Perhaps it will be entertainment at least.

Somethings I've learned

2006-02-06T23:46:00.000-07:00

So tonight in my OT2 class I heard a couple of concepts that I thought were significant and I wanted to reflect on them. I will probably not say as much as I originally planned, because I am tired but nevertheless here is what I got.

"No event has any intrinsic meaning."
"No event is self-defining or self-interpreting."
"chronologies establish a framework, histories have an ideology."

So the thought here is that we define events we encounter through the lens we view life. In other words no event standing alone is significant in and of itself. It is significant in relation to the way I understand life, my ideology that guides my thoughts. This is why one person sees the cross of Christ as extremely significant and one person fails to see it as momentous or relevant. Furthermore it also helps me understand why Vince, doesn't think the Red Hot Chili Peppers are a good band and important to rock music. alright maybe not. Nevertheless it has made me think a ton about history and the idea that even if we wanted to be completely objective in regards to our study of it, it is an impossibility. The conventions we use to study are merely the conventions of our time and culture, thus our conventions of study represent American, 21st century methods of study. What a huge thought. Objectivity is futile. This has huge ramifications for ethnocentrism, and cross-cultural understanding. We are all walking through life, whether fully aware or unaware carrying the baggage of the world, time, and culture we've been birthed into. This pervades all of our thoughts, and is our filter. Of course we can adapt our filter. I think the apostle Paul would say, transform, but nevertheless I think we have to be concious enough to decie to do that. Alright so I am tired, but I needed to communicate that before I slept, so as to say what was on my mind.

I guess here are a couple of things I will speak to in my next post, or merely leave them succinctly said now, K-fed is a choad(this is a reference to a video on my friends blog about Britney spear's hubby--bythebeachboy.blogspot.com, thanx Ken), I've never been a Springstein fan, but I think the song "devils and dust" is really good, One of my friends told me I was salesman last night in reference to my always talking and seeing the gospel in stuff and it gave me cause for concern--am I willy loman?he was well liked-or so he thought, Translating the biblical greek is gratifying work, i'm a tool.

This is the life I have chosen

2006-01-27T22:42:00.000-07:00

So tonight I was thinking about the course of my life. It seems like over the last year of my life God has been orchestrating events in my life in a very specific direction. I know most of anyone reading this, will be thinking, yeah, that is what God does all the time, right, he's God. The answer is yes. I've just been wrestling with the question: is God always speaking as loudly to my heart as it feels he has been over the last several months and I have just done a good job of ignoring him? Or does the very audible leading come and go with seasons and appointments. I think about the Elijah passage and wonder if for too long I've been listening to the storm and earthquake and the whisper has remained constant but ignored. I think this is likely. Maybe the most important thing I could do, is seek to remove all the noise of my life to strip it down to essentials. His voice has come most recently in conversations, music, books, and quiet. I realize that I cannot view monasticism as an oppurutnity to hear his voice...no matter how appealing being a monk is to me. Nevertheless I realize that all of my life on earth is the life of my choosing. I'm not trying to launch into a conversation about election here, but rather the way I spend my time, energy, and resource. Today I spoke with a friend of mine who was telling me about her brother and his struggles with the law, addiction, and life in general. They had a very similar conditioning from youth, which wasn't a healthy upbringing, but nevertheless she has risen from it to faith, and a life of proclaiming it. He on the other hand has shunned several oppurtunities to grow out of the world he has lived in, I don't understand. I am on the fence about who is to blame, or even if placing a value on attitudes, like blaming them is necessary. It ultimately made me think of myself and the way I waste so much of my life. It makes me sick to think about this. Today I have been greatly humbled by God. I think about my lack of faith to act with decisiveness and passion in regards to things he puts inside of me. One of the most painful things I remember my mom telling me when I was a kid, in regards to somehing stupid like hairstyle or appearance was, "Play the game, son." I remember thinking to myself, "I will never play the game, just cause." I need a reason, yet my idealism has obviously waned in some areas because I see myself becoming passive agressive towards people who stand against the things I feel so passionately about in my heart. I think I am rambling, but I feel like I need to get this stuff down so I can come back and try and understand what is going on. One of my friends recently asked me in an e-mail, "you know anybody can read your blogs right?" Of course, I think part of me loves the idea that I can be naked in thought on my blogs and other people can see it for what it is. I like that I have an outlet to express my insides, and if someone wants to check that out, if nothing else they know how to pray for me. SO there is a digression. So tonight I was leaving the gym and I watched a lady and her son walk out the door in fron tof me, and thought t was beautiful to see her telling her son to look out as he ran towards the curb with velocity. I'm not sure what was so beautiful about it but I just kept thinking about it, and was happy and sad all at once. I think ultimately I am overwhelmed right now with the broken state of man, and watching that mother was love and it was real. It is a commodity. I have no choice but to cling to the only love I know, and the only love any of us can hope in...the cross of Christ. So I just got the new Derek Webb CD--Mockingbird, and think, lyrically, it is very important. So I am gonna transcribe a song. Its called A New Law:

don’t teach me about politics and government
just tell me who to vote for
don’t teach me about truth and beauty
just label my music
don’t teach me how to live like a free man
just give me a new law
i don’t wanna know if the answers aren’t easy
so just bring it down from the mountain to me
i want a new law
i want a new law
gimme that new law
don’t teach me about moderation and liberty
i prefer a shot of grape juice
don’t teach me about loving my enemies
don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit
just give me a new law
what’s the use in trading a law you can never keep
for one you can that cannot get you anything
do not be afraid
do not be afraid
do not be afraid

I think he is using his gift of music to speak truth into all our lives. My prayer is that I let him speak God's truth to my heart. Its getting late, I'm snowboarding early tomorrow. consequently ,out.

Love

2006-01-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possessesnot nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

--Khalil Gibran

To whom he is referring most I am uncertain, but there is only one I know who fits this description. Hallelujah.

Playing along

2006-01-19T10:32:00.000-07:00

Four jobs you have had in your life:
Checker, Stocker--Piggly Wiggly, Escatawpa MS
Gopher--State Farm Insurance-Moss Point MS
Barista--Wired Bean--FoCo CO
Fence Builder--Sining River Fence Co.--Moss Point MS

Four movies you would watch over and over:
Gross Pointe Blank
Waynes World 2
Oceans 11
September Sessions

Four places you have lived:
Escatawpa, MS
Clinton, MS
Ft. Collins, CO
Positive state of mind

Four TV shows you love to watch:
College Gameday, during college football season
Seinfeld
(Really don't watch much TV)Any Baseball
Friends

Four places you have been on vacation:
Key Largo, FL
San Clemente, CA
Surabaya, Indonesia
West Palm Beach, FL

Four websites I visit daily:
ESPN.com
Hotmail.com
flippin' myspace.com--I can't stop
peeps blogs

Four of my favorite foods:
Good cheeseburgers
Cereal- Special K w/ strawberries, frosted flakes
Most Pizza
An Ed's Special from Ed's drive in Pascagoula, MS

Four places I would rather be right now:
South Florida w/ my homies from college
Any warm beach
nowhere, I dig my world and life
Around my pool at my house in MS, in the summer, with dad working on a car in the shop, classic rock playing on the stereo, josh and Krista home, and Mom bringing out PB and J for lunch.--I'm sentimental.

So the way this works is I tag some fools and make them answer these fun get to know you questions, here go. I tag novelthought, insessions, and bythebeachboy

our disposable world

2006-01-17T18:26:00.000-07:00

So I think too much sometimes, the following is one such instance. I've observed that many people, especially people around my age seem to feel an angst about relationships. Most of us live disconnected lives, and when asked feel like we are missing out but, at the same time don't know what to do about it. I'm wondering if this angst and inability to connect is due in some way, shape, for, or fashion to our dependence on the disposable nature of our lives. For example in the past if our TV's broke we would take them to the TV repair guy. Now if they die, we trash them and buy a new one. Eating meals at home was more necessary because eating on the go never really became a comfortable option until the widespread use of fast food franchises and paper products. The flippin' milk used to come in class bottles on the doorstep, now plastic cartons. Pop bottles were worth something, now only to tree-huggin recyclers. Alright so I could continue but I think I have illustrated my thoughts semi-accurately enough. I wonder if our reliance and conditioning to rely on disposable products has caused us to at some level treat most relationships the same way. I know that I could use some help in treating the people I love better. I wonder if one of the reasons I don't call the people I care about more is because of everything in my world being easy to replace. I think this is why porn is such a common struggle with people. Porn is essentially an issue with disposability at the heart of it. Porn allows one to fool themselves into a fake intimacy that requires nothing of them, and in the end they can forget quickly and move on. All the while their souls are being corrupted because they are letting things inside that will never fill the hole that is there. I wonder if the whole disposability thing has caused us to treat human relationships the same. Do we all think that we can easily replace the tings we treasure because we can easily replace almost anything else? I know that in several other areas I have realized I am a product of my conditioning. Perhaps this is one more.

Last night I watched Hotel Rwanda. whoa. I don't really know what to say. It was really heavy. It made me think of the blackness of our hearts. It made me think of my ethnocentrism that I promise doesn't exist. It made me fell the weight of the call of Christ. It hurt to view it from my perspective, much less the way God views it. They said that in the wake of that Massacre over a million corpses were left. Perhaps one of the most interesting things, was the reasons the hatred existed between the factions. They hated each other because of the power one group held at one time, versus who hold the power now. That is worth the lives of thousands. I need to read more. It made me sense the urgency of delivering the Gospel message to our world daily. Who knows the scope the Gospel may have. Just because I cannot go to Rwanda tomorrow does not mean that the gospel could not travel there by any of our faithfulness to share it boldly in our corner of earth. This movie was more weighty than I desired to witness. I felt so much shame for the way I have disregarded justice on earth, and even in my day to day treatment of people. I must love. That is all can say I gues. I must love ferociously.

This post is pretty melancholy, but these are just things I needed to get down before I forgot about them. I'll probably post a second time this week discussing the high points of my trip to Northern California, as well as a manifesto describing how good Brand New's "Deja Entendu" and Derek Webb's "I see things Upside down" CD's are. until, cheers.

musak.

2006-01-05T16:20:00.000-07:00

So a friend of mind hooked me up with Derek Webb's "House Show" CD and it rocks. It is him and his guitar and he preaches a ton. It is beautiful. His words are passionate, and the songs are great. So much of this CD is directed at the church and God's romancing of it, as well as our mandate to love the church as well. It is scratching me where I itch. I hope that doesn't sound gross. Why would it? Why am I typing these questions?

The aforementioned friend is my pal Van. I love him. Within a small handful of people in my life I feel I have a soul connection with. Whatever that means. I know what I mean. If he and my sis had never dated and broken up who knows. I think he is probably one of the people that helped me develop a love for music. In addition he hooked me up with a CD called electric Mud. It is Muddy Waters first CD with and electric, and it is bad to the bone. Muddy, by the way is from MS. It is real. That being said I think that is what I like about Derek Webb as well. He is real.

Final note: Julie attempted contact on or near Christmas day via the cell phone to see how I was handling being home post storm. It was a voicemail. I thought it was nice. Perhaps one day we can be pals.

Katrina thoughts

2006-01-05T16:01:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was my last day at home on the gulf coast before returning to Colorado. One of the things I had wanted to do in the 2 weeks I was home was drive all the way from Pass Christian to Biloxi along the beach to really get a handle on what happened. The first night I got home I went to the beach and looked for awhile but wore out quick. It was a lot harder to confront all of that than I thought it would be. The whole time I was home people just wanted to talk about the storm. It kept coming up, no matter what we were discussing. It has effected many lives and will continue to do so, I think for many years. As I looked yesterday at a camp that was home to me for three summers on the western end of the gulf coast and saw the damage first hand, I was awestruck. All up the coast it was as if someone took and eraser and just erased everything along the water. It is really hard to articulate all that I felt in regards to the storm. I still get irritable when I hear people not from home talk about everything. I can't really explain why.

I did hear something cool while watching the Sugar Bowl. Former hated Florida GAtor and heisman trophy winner, danny wuerful was talking about a mission he worked with. He is a believer. Anyway he was talking abou tthe effect of the storm on poverty in New Orleans and said that the name Katrina meant cleansing. I thought that was beautiful. After thinking about that as I looked at the houseless foundations, I thought in some ways this was a beautiful thing. We are the ones that decided to take up those spots of earth with our castles. I'm not saying that I don't mourn with compassion, I do. At the same time though it is a great reminder the power of God to make all things new. We've built empires and God can reduce them to rubble in minutes. It is a humbling thought. There is a solemn beauty in that thought. I guess this is all I can communicate about all of this for right now. I am continuing to work through everything.

fuzzy memories

2005-12-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

I think its wierd how closed into my own world I can get. It is really easy for me to get into a routine with my life, and the more into my life I get, the more things in my past fade away. For example I have been in Clinton, MS the past couple of days and been kicking it with my friends. As we drive around I have forgotten how to get around. Although I lived here for the better part of four years, things from my past seem to feel a bit like a dream more than a reality. I guess in a lot of ways I feel like so much stuff has happened in the 2 1/2 years since I left this place it is easy for me to compartmentalize that part of my life. The relationships haven't changed. Hanging with my friends is still like it used to be thankfully. However everything else feels different. I guess when I get into such a rhythm with the way my life flows in Colorado, anything different feels like an eternity away even though it has been much more brief. So anyway enough with circle speech.

It seems that somedays I do wish to be back here at MC in college in the dorms with my buddies close by, but now I've realized all I miss are relationships and memories. College itself was merely a vehicle for those two things. Moving back home, or being back in school are not the answers, its simply hanging onto and growing the relationships I have. I feel like crap for not talking to my friends more. I can see how it is hard for people to hear me say they are dear to me, and then ignore them for a couple of months. It is true, but I realize, especially after being with them, that the best thing I can do if they are dear to me, is love them with a lot of action as well, if nfor no other reason than to serve them as my pals. I am so blessed to have shared life with so many wonderful people. Last night I played touch football in the quad of MC with 3 pals until 1 in the morning. THAT is beautiful. They are all so good to me.

This is far more sappy than I intended and I know some of them are gonna read this, so at the risk of being a huge dork I will stop. Much love if any of you are reading this.

On a lighter note as my friend and former live in life partner Jason played Pearl Jam songs on the guitar last night I realized how much I freaking love them. I think I could still play any of their CD's and listen all the way through and love every minute of it just like I could in ninth grade. I think that is why I dig them and will fight with anyone and say unashamedly that they are the best and most important band of my generation. They have shaped the way I listen to rock and roll, and probable are one of the reasons I love it so much. This post is getting monotonous and I am wearing myself out, so I can't even imagine what it is like for some who may read this garbage.

Festivus

2005-12-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

This Christmas was really nice. It was full of things that I think I want to capture before they get too far away from my mind. The first and one of the most notable is my grandpa. He has Alzheimer's and it definitely seems to be progressing. In recent visits home I feel terrible but have really avoided being around him. I feel terrible because of it, but I guess it helps me not deal with him being different the less I see him different. However this Christmas break I got to be around him more. In al lseriousness it does feel like hanging out with a stranger. Oddly enough this is probably his sentiment as well. Nevertheless today as we sat in church he told me I used to know all these people here. As we passed by some other churches on the way home he told me he used to preach for people at all those places. He told me of his car, that he used to drive a car like this, maybe the same one. That was cool. Now as I type it makes me sad, but at the time I was happy. It felt like for the first time I could understand the disease. I think initially one of the problems I had with it all was how I could watch him fight what was happening. He would be told things, and react negatively because he wasn't fully concious of what was happening. Now I don't think the old man is there. I think who he was before the disease is like a dream of sorts to him now. Consequently it is the same for me. Whether or not this is accurate or merely my bad observation I do not know, but I do know that I love this man. I love him like I love my grandpa growing up. Every encounter with him reminds of the that statement in the seven ages of man, by Shakespeare I think, "once a man twice a child." I am grateful for having had this encounter and confrontation with what has been going on with my grandpa.

It was also cool hanging with the sibs and nephews and nieces. As my sister has children at breakneck speed, it is fun to watch our family grow. Her life is very different than mine. She is only two years older but is currently pregnant with her 4th kid. She has been married 4 years. She is the total mom. It is something to behold. Anyway back to the chil'ren. It is wild to watch them on CHristmas morning. It is a picture of the same thing that goes on inside of me all the time. The heart never gets its fill of having. The having leads to more wanting, not peace. I know I was the same way when I was young, but nonetheless, it helps me think about my own heart and how broke it is. I contributed by giving them too much, but it is pretty fun buying and shopping for toys. I don't mean to paint them as demons, but merely versions of myself. Even as kids I can already see to quote Crowder, "the depth of our fall, and the weight of it all." All of that aside this Christmas has really brought me to a place of valuing family above all else. As I saw with my own eyes and through the stroies of friends here, the storm was overwhelming. I can't really articulate things. Nevertheless it has reminded me of my blessings. It has helped me to be extremely grateful for all I have and a great reminder to be free of hoping in things. Literally I had friends that lost all of their possessions in a single wave. What aportrait of our everpresent reality. I feel the need to apologize to anyone who may read this beside myself. I am being a huge dork as I type. My brain works like this. I want to type this stuff though, b/c I don't want to wait, and journaling my hand is too cumbersome. So forgive my dramatic and weighty contemplation of nonsense. I gotta talk.

Another thing that is pressing hard upon me, is the punk I have been to my parents growing up. Just being around them and thinkin of all the futile stuff we fought about, and I whined about it overwhelms me. I am unbelievably indebted to them and realize this every time I sit at my home or simply think of them.

There are so many other things that are heavy on me now, but I will refrain from posting them right now, b/c this computer is where my niece is sleeping and she needs to sleep. By the way she is like a human stuffed animal and just loves to be held. That rocks.

One final note. I read the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell this week and it was fascinating. It is all about how we should learn to feed our unconcious and then trust a decision our unconcious makes in a blink. Mainly it is the idea that more information doesn't always mean we have the ability to make a better decision. The book shows some compelling data as to why. It also says we should release ourselvess to trust feeling we have that we can't explain. He says sometimes if we feel a certain way, we should not kill ourselves or discount the idea simply because we can't unpack it fully. Anyway it is all about psychology and interesting.

Bumper Sticker Heaven

2005-12-15T15:26:00.000-07:00

One of the things I love about living in Northern Colorado is all of the sweet bumper stickers you see when you drive around town. For example if you see an old Subaru, you definitely want to pull in behind it, for the mere pleasure of reading all the really sweet bumper stickers. So for whatever reason, one of my favorites has been on my mind, and I've been thinking about it alot. By the way, most of the stickers are from hippy type folks that I dig. Here is my favorite one up to this point:

Bare Feet, Not Arms.

Word. I'm thinking about adopting it as my motto or something, but then I think everyone back home will think I have completely gone over the edge. Maybe I have, I don't know (and if the world is a circle how can we go over the edge anyway). Anyway I wanted to make sure to post this before I forgot about it. Its not that I don't dig the BIll of Rights and my attempts at hunting, I just like th eimage that comes into my head of being barefoot in some green grass, instead of clutching a weapon. I don't want to get utopian here so at the risk, of sounding trite. out.

BY the way I feel that I should note that this not the stuff I was planning on writing aforementioned in the previous post, this is just what came out.

Narnia and other stuff

2005-12-15T11:01:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday night Vinnie and I went and saw The lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. I thought they did a great job with the movie. I really got into the chronicles of narnia last summer, and they were unbelievable. After about four weeks of reading the books, I would see animals and hope they woud talk to me. I felt like I understood Narnia, and was really sucked into the fantasy of the books. I realize this makes me a nerd, but I think I'd dig living in a world with talking animals. But then again, if animals could talk we'd probably have a lot of guilt we'd have to deal with when we eat them, leash them, domesticate them, destroy their homes for subdivisions. At the risk of launching into a hippy, Peta sounding rant I will let that issue rest. Nevertheless the movie was good. Three things perplexed me after watching it though.

Issue One:

Liam Neesan(or however it is spelt) did Aslan's voice. No offense to Liam, I think he is an allright actor, no one could do that character Justice. Aslan is painted in such a (pardon the silly, dramatic, word) majestic light in the book that no human rendering of him visually or audibly could do him justice. SO at the risk of whining I am trying to force myself to come up with an alternative voice for THE lion. The best answer I could come up with was the voice over guy for NFL films. Not Steve Sabol, the produceer and guy that wears a sweater and introduces each film. The narrator who speaks when they are showing the Purple People eaters, or 1998 Falcons team. That guy has a commanding voice. So there is issue number one.

Issue two:

The beavers had british accents. I could not really discover any intelligible reason for this. One could guess because CS was, but then for that matter why don't all the other animals have British accents as well. It seems that any time you do a movie from a past time, someone inadvertently has to have a British accent. Thats frustrating. (By the way why don't we ever say advertently. It seems we only use the negative, and that doesn't seem fair.) Nevertheless I guess the candy apple answer is they are British, because in their world like ours people have different accents based on their geography. I do think answer is too simple though.

Issue Three:

I thought the white witch was hot. This is probably the most disconcerting of the three issues I had with the film. Those dreads in her hair were amazing. Geez I'm sad. The problem I have with thinking the white witch was hot, is that she is the devil. I mean I know lucifer was the most beautiful of angels, so much that it was a point of pride, but I don't want to like him for that. Half the time when she was doing terrible things in the movie, all I could think about was wanting to hold her hand, and touch her dreads. Alright this is getting creepy, and people actually read this, so I'll bring this to a close quickly. Anyway I guess I should explore what thinking the white witch was hot means about my soul, or just forget and think about the Braves and Rockies chances next year. (By the way the Rockies made some excellent moves in the Winter meetings, and I think we are one veteran power bat away from 80 wins next year. Believe that.)

So this is what I got. I might post later today because I have a lot of random crap I want to verbalize, b/c I'm tired of having it inside.

the vagrant gypsy life

2005-11-30T09:40:00.000-07:00

So yesterday one of my friends included this poem in an e-mail they sent me and it took me back. I memorized this in the ninth grade, when we had learn a poem for our english class and share it. It was a blessing hearing it again, so I want to put it here so I don't lose it again

Sea Fever
By: John Masefield

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely seas and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.

So thats it, I think I am a sap for loving such things, but I'm glad I have that poem again, I've always remembered parts, and now I have the whole. I want the vagrant gypsy life a bit too much I think. We is what we is.

I'm too practical

2005-11-30T09:22:00.000-07:00

So apparently Julie and I are not gonna talk for a while. This message became glaringly clear yesterday when I recieved a piece of mail from her. It was a simple note attached to a four pass I had given her, saying I probably can't use this so you should share it with someone else, Have a good thanksgiving. It was sent via the US postal service. I guess that is a pretty clear piece of communication. I'm not sure what I was expecting as far as our relationship, post coupledom, but I had at least hoped we would be pals. One of my friends said that if I care about Julie than I shouldn't talk to her until after Christmas. So whatever. I guess I have to aceept this as the consequences of my actions. The flippin USPS. Anyway I digress. I just think it is a shame we cannot even speak a sentence to each other. But all in all I do want whatever is best for her, because I think I have probably hurt her enough for one man. Thus I'll drift quietly out of her life, or whatever and hope that one day we can be pals. So I think I am too pratical because I actually believe we should be able to be friends, or at least cordial acquaintances in spite of our past. SO I'll squash that, and quote the words that frustrated me yesterday, when a friend told me what they had told my former pal Julie, "You don't cut your arm off with a butter knife, thats too painful, you have to chop it off at once." Geez I need to quit being so pissed.

I bought Talib Kweli-- The Beautiful Struggle, yesterday and I really dig it. He is a rapper that actually says something. He's not rapping for hos or money, but rather to preach. I like that. I'm wrestling with a thought about him though. He cusses a lot. I usually dismiss most people who use a lot of profanity as inarticulate and probably unintelligent, however with him it is different. I think he is pretty articulate, and intelligent. It got me thinking he uses these words because they are his words. He is from the streets of New York, and I can't help but wonder does he speak this way for the same reason I say something is money when it is good. SO no doubt about it I am attempting to rationalize why I should let my mind consume his language, but this has just left me thinking. He talks about God a lot. Not in the same way Tupac would talk about God after killing someone. He talks about God like he knows him and talks to him. Maybe I'm a sucker. Probably I am a sucker.

girl stuff

2005-11-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

So on Saturday, Nov. 19, Julie and I broke up. Its hard for me to process this all really, and quite frankly I'm tired of talking to people about it. Everyone wants to know whats going on, and its hard for me to verbalize. The long and the short of it is this--At one point I thought this was it, and recently(2 months) I have thought otherwise. I can't really explain all of the things that have led to our relationship chilling, except it didn't feel right. At times I think I am too much the hopeless romantic to be able to successfully judge whether or not my reality is what it should be. I know I hurt her. For that I feel a lot of sorrow. Of course, it was never my intent but as mom always said, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Nevertheless in the days since the break up I have felt like this is still th eright move. I've wanted to call her, but figure I should just leave her for now. She went home for Thanksgiving to be with family. I think if I call right now it will do more harm than good. I feel like a heel everytime I think about this situation.

I do not know why I am so reluctant to believe that our relationship was right, and I'm so tired of all of the people around me's cliches about love and stuff. Everyone has something to say, but I've determined that nothing is normative in this regard, therefore the idea that what works for someone else might work for me, is foolish. I think we are all too different for that. Maybe I'm too young. I thought it would be good and healthy for me to blog about all this, so as to verbalize some stuff and capture the emotion of this moment, however the emotion is---numb. I don't even know if numb is an emotion. I know I hate doing this to girls. I had coffee with a friend this morning who seemed to be trying to convince me that I was supposed to be with Julie. I think I was defensive about that for some reason. Is it pride or truth? Anyway I'll come back when I am further removed from the situation.

Last night I met with an ordination council and it was fun. It was a room of guys I love and respect letting me answer questions of theology and fun stuff like that. It is nice being forced to weigh in on things like that from time to time I think. The men involved were: Brad Gilliland, Kelly Wheat, Jim "The Miz" Mislowski, Jim McCormick, Andy Stuart, Alan Karr, and Dave Karr. It was such a blessing to be a part of the event and a real confimation that GOd wants to use me in this capacity. I feel like I am spent right now so I will stop to read the Word.

In the words of Hootie...

2005-11-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

So yet another week is here, and I again am left scratching my head in regards to what I need to say.

IN the words of Hootie and the BFish--"Ti--ii--ime why do you punish me?"

It seems like lately life is moving so quickly. I think the structured nature of my week, (IE-MOnday 6:30-7:30 mtg, 8:30-10:30 mtg, 11:00-12:30 travel to sem, 1-6 class, 6:30-9:30 class, and so on), helps it move along at an extremely quick pace. It feels like the week only lasts 3 days. I can remember when I was younger how summer felt like forever and most of the time I think it was because as a kid in the summer there was little more than eating PBJ by the pool and doing yardwork with mom. I guess the question I am asking in a very convaluted way is: Does our schedule and activity make our life's pace seem faster than it should be? I know the speed of life does not change (perhaps infinitesimally other course of thousands of years), based on revolutions and rotation of the earth and what not, but I wonder if we can decide how we will live that time and thereby control how fleeting or sluggish it feels?

A friend of mine named Jerry who is in his fifties said that the last 20 years of his life felt like 2 weeks. This made me want to shoot myself in the face. I am not afraid to die. Matter of fact, most days I think being with Christ is something I long for far more than getting out of bed. I'm not depressed I just understand whats better. That said, I do think that if God wants me to live in this place for seventy years, I am in no rush to be 50. I wonder if there something I can do to savor this short time that we have. Geez this circular thought that is doing nothing more than stealing the time I have. Perhaps I should just heed the words of Mason Jennings and, "live in the moment with these friends of mine." This is why I like and dislike this online journaling bit. It will be fun seeing where I was in the future, but right now reading it makes me want to puke.

out.

one mo gan

2005-11-08T11:25:00.000-07:00

So as I sit here, I am frustrated that I did not spend some time typing last week. I had several ideas I meant to capture, but because I did not type them, I am at a loss. I want to post so rather than post anything of substance, I will post about my lack of such substance. Nevertheless here are a few things I want to remember:

Sat., Nov. 5, Miami dismantled Va. Tech, 27-7. It was beautiful.

Thurs., Nov.3, Julie and I had a convo about the state of our relationship and arrived at the conclusion that we were not both in the same place, but nevertheless we would try to continue as usual and figure it out as we go along.

Wed., Nov.2, bought, started, and am enjoying a new book by Chuck Klosterman: sex, Drugs, and cocoa Puffs. It is a book of essays about stuff and is hilarious. However I think his ideas effect me perhaps more than they should. HIs essays on fake love(title has something to do with emo) and the sims were hilarious and insightful.

Tues., Nov.1, attended a collegiate church planting summit and wondered why we find formulas so comforting and appealing. Are we lazy? Are we greedy? Are we cowards? Am I melodramatic?yes.

MOn., Oct. 31, thought of a Beastie Boys line, "October 31st is my day of the birth." Mike D. This is singlehandedly one of the most powerful musical quotes I have heard, and it has shaped me, that is all I can say. Found out I aced my Greek Midterm...what, what!

Alright so an exciting life worth typing about in a nutshell. I feel cliche as I blog, but...

Worship Thoughts

2005-10-25T10:38:00.000-06:00

So I was listening to this sermon last night on my ipod. The guy sharing said something that I think is beautiful. He was talking specifically about how the church needs to make sure we don't limit the way we worship to just one thing. He gave this story:

There was this ballet dancer and she was really good. She danced and did so beautifully. After her performance several of the people in attendance went to her to congratulate her on her great show. As they did, one guy came up to her and told her what a wonderful job she did. He continued and said, "I really enjoyed the dance, however I do not watch a lot of ballets and was wondering if you could tell me exactly what the dance means?" The dancer responded with this statement, "If I could tell you with words, than I would not have had to dance it."

Okay so this may seem a bit cheesy, but I thought it was a cool reason why art should have a place in our worship of God. To believe that we can properly articulate our worship of God through prayer, the study of his word, and song alone is making little of the nature and character of God. I think as long as God is making humans different, there will be as many ways to worhsip him. We should always be careful not to confine ourselves to one set of ideas and call it worship. I think this story shows why we should be sure to make our worship a fluid and multi-faceted representation of the character of our God. Nevertheless these are just some ramblings, but I wanted to write these thoughts before I forgot them. I have currently been given the freedom at my church to develop an additional worhsip service so that we as a body can explore these ideas. My prayer is that God will lead us in the direction he would have us go, and that he would allow this to a place of great freedom.

Leaving

2005-10-13T14:16:00.000-06:00

I just read this quote:

"Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons."

In my experience, this is an accurate statement. I never loved home until it wasn't mine anymore. In the words of James Hetfield, "You know its sad but true--oo." Nevertheless I didn't have much to say but wanted to record that quote.

Cash

2005-10-11T10:19:00.000-06:00

So I've recently been going through a hardcore honky tonk phase where I've been listening to mostly old-school country, namely: Willie, Waylon, Hank Jr. (borderline white trash, rather than country), and Johnny Cash. I was bale to pick up Johnny Cash's autobiography in a used book store a couple weeks back and have been creeping my way thorugh it. This is his quote about country music:

"I was talking with a friend of mine about this the other day; that country life as I knew it might really be thing of the past and when music people today, performers and fans alike, talk about being "country" they don't mean they know or even care about the land and the life it sustains and regulates. They're talking more about choices-- a way to look, a group to belong to, a kind of music to call their own. Which begs a question: Is there behind the symbols of modern country, or are the symbols themselves the whole story? Are the hats, the boots, the pick-up trucks, and the honky-tonking poses all thats left of a disentegrating culture? Back in Arkansas a way of life produced a certain kind of music. Does a certain kind of music now produce a way of life? Maybe thats OK. I don't know. Perhaps I'm just alienated, feeling the cold wind of exclusion blowing my way. The "country" music establishment, including "country" radio and the "country" music association, does after all seemed to have decided that whatever "country" music is, some of us aren't."

So I'm going to try really hard not to become a complete geek about all this, but I thought it was a cool quote. I'm just now getting into country music, I guess over the past 2 years, and I do know that there is a depth and honesty to a lot of the old guys that I don't hear in dudes like Tim McGraw, but to be honest I don't give most of the young country guys a chance if they can't play a guitar. Anyway I digress, I just thought it was a cool quote from a cool guy. I think music might be taking over my soul. I always frame what I am doing in terms of song or quote it seems, I wonder if that is bad. Alright so this is entirely too long.

X

2005-10-05T10:41:00.001-06:00

Last night I saw the movie American History X. Rock. It was powerful, beautiful, and grotesque. It is about hate, and how it accomplishes nothing. I am tempted to insert a sweet hippy statement here, but I relent. Nevertheless it is a beautiful portrait of how broke we are, but how we all realize evil corrupts, and satisfies only for a time, but in the end is left wanting. 2 enthusiastic thumbs up. Also sweet: Lord of War. Saw it last week. It is another portrait of how broke we are as humans, and how we are in need of rescue.

life

2005-10-04T16:35:00.000-06:00

Its been a while since I blogged so here it goes: My life is fun. I live with 2 cool dudes and we have a dog. There is something really cool about having a dog. I can't really articulate what is so cool about indy, our dog. Nevertheless I have a great girlfriend that I don't deserve and don't treat well at all. I think I am an emotional wreck for anyone to have to deal with so most of the time I take up an unhealthy amount of time in our relationship dealing with myself. Boy I am glad I am making this public to the 2 people that read this blog, but whatever. Confession is good for the soul. Nevertheless I've decided I am definitely melodramatic about most things in my life. I guess people my age all feel like our lives are so differnt from each other and thus we should talk about all the crap that is going on, but it seems to me that is the definition of normalcy. Geez I'm rambling. I suck at blogging, nevertheless I am gonna try to do this once a week for my friend Loren, and others, who might have time to read this garbage.

PS- The cold weather today was beautiful and refreshing. I wanted to stand outside in my bathing suit just to be cold. I am definitely sleeping with the windows open. There is something clean about the cold.

nothing new under the sun

2005-06-02T16:12:00.000-06:00

SO I'm gonna rant. This afternoon I did something I almost never do, and I read thorugh some of those "emerging church" websites. It all such a load of crap. Men want to really believe they are bigger and mor eimportant than they are. Its crazy, but I think people who are really legalistic and people who are sold out to this emergent church thing are a lot like the people Jesus railed on in the Gospels. After reading several articles by "hip" church folk I hear that these people think church can save mankind, or that church can be cool. I have no faith in church as method. I have enormous faith in church as a family of followers of Christ. I am so frustrated that people are allowing themselves to be distracted by such pride centeredgarbage. I think for the most part all of these "emerging leaders" are concerned about their name and renown and see criticism as martyrdom, so I will cease so as to not grant them that. I pray that one day soon people will submit and realize that Jesus is the only revolutionary way to save the world. The best way for us to lose sight of our purpose on earth is to seek a kingdom or empire here, such as leading movements. Let us pray earnestly that the Spirit of God will guide us in being obedient in the relationships he has given us and let people write about it and talk about it if they want when we are dead.

Bueller

2005-05-05T11:08:00.000-06:00

"Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop to look around once in awhile, you just might miss it." --Ferris Bueller

A modern prophet really. It seems I've spent my whole life preparing for the next step. I have terminally lived in a time that is not promised to me. Blaise Pascal said thats a real shame when we do that. He said we neglect the one time we can control because we waste all our days regretting the past or planning for the future. I agree. I'm really trying to focus my life now for the future. I think there really is a difference. I know I have tried to live focused on the future and I think it is worthless. I think I need to live realizing that there may be a future, but the past way to prepare for it is to be the person for the future right now. If it comes I am ready. If not, then I am who I supposed to be anyway. I promise this all makes sense in my head. Nevertheless I press on. I pray that I will see my life right now as what it is supposed to be. I pray that I realize I am who I am. I pray that I do not live one more minute regretting, and that I live in motion, understanding the value of the past only relative to how it allows me to live the now. Mercy is great. Christ has shown clemency beyond my capacity to understand. I will rest in that and not try to dissect it. I will take it as freely as it has been given.

scrugglin

2005-04-28T15:50:00.001-06:00

Somedays I anticipate death. Not in a wierd, morbid, goth way, just in a teen agnst, John Hughes Rite de passage movie kind of way. (Borrowing from Wayne's World of course.) I get really frustrated with fighting somedays. everyday I realize a little more what a coward I am. I realize that I talk much and exercise little. Nevertheless we press on. I don't know why I am writing this so others can see, but here I am. Ham I am. death really is victory. Truly it has already occurred if I believe the Word. Thus I should Find a way to remember it day by day. Gosh this is dramatic. Future posts will be more comedys and less drama. On a side note I have considered some new Titles for my forthcoming Gangster Rap album: ten in the clip- one in the hole, Mo meditate and less conversate. Just some ideas. I gotta go lay down some tracks.

stuff and things

2005-04-27T17:54:00.000-06:00

Currently I am learning that the more you choose to love people the more you will be hurt. Its not really ever like that movie stuff where everyone wants to sing kum ba ya or at the end of the day you say man my lie looks grea. At the end of the day I do say, I love my life. I hope we all can. If we can't why do we do it. Nevertheless I think it has been an important distinction for me to realize. Vulnerability=peace. Peace doesn't look describable or desirable, but it remains. That is what is so cool about peace. It is. In the midst of chaos it is. I think its easy to look around at the brokeness and grow discouraged. However I've learned that brokeness can be serene if our perspective is right. When we realize we are broke we are most useful I think. Its a shame it takes being fractured or cut to see how powerful bleeding is. this is rambling. I think I'm retarded and dramatic.